so after 22 years, i’ve finally learnt how to be the bigger person. to do the right thing. to trust and understand unconditionally. to say “ok, fine.” when i’d really like to throw a lamp at someone’s head. i keep my mouth shut. i think before i say anything. i have finally, yes finally, learnt to control my temper.
i think it’s always been the only flaw the s.o has ever pointed out; “control your anger. dont slam doors, dont leave the house. breathe, and talk”. it’s ironic.
ironic because, the past week, i have been angrier than i ever remember being. anger so potent, there were moments where i was positive i was reeking of it. and all my anger was directed towards the s.o. but the words of the same person i would have dearly liked to attack with my purple steel colander kept wafting to me. all the time. in every cigarette i smoked, in every steaming mug of coffee i sipped.
control your anger.
he called today. instead of telling him what i thought of him, we laughed. i told him we had a laundry situation. we came up with options for the laundry situation. i asked him to try and get me chocolate chai from oxford street. we discussed the fate of apple without steve jobs. he said he’d be home this weekend. we compared notes on how exhausted we were. he promised we’d celebrate my “smarts” on saturday.
i never once told him how my days seem to be passing in a blur of breathing in and out. of counting to ten. of telling myself that being the bigger person is a good thing. its something to be proud of. its a step forward to being an adult in an adult relationship.
he will be home soon. he will sleep and recover from a fortnight of travel. i will sleep by his side and recover from a fortnight of dissertation-ing. when we are awake, we will talk of europe. of my thesis. we will discuss potential together-travel. we will get rid of the spider in our bathroom.
and one day, in the far future, i will tell him how i could have killed him with my purple colander. which i never did, because the night i plotted it, the intricacies of the purple-colander-plot, he saw the eiffel tower light up. he said it sparkled and reminded him of me.
and because, we are bigger people.