better late than never

I gravitate towards men who remind me of my father. To set the record straight, I dont and never did have “Daddy Issues”. Neither have I ever been “Daddy’s Little Girl”. But I still drift towards men who remind me of him, in some way or the other.

These are men who smoke, preferably Marlboros. Because they smell like him, the smell Ive always associated with safety and comfort. Men who can hold their alcohol. Men who enjoy cricket; watching or playing is insignificant. Men who always smell good, even unshowered or sweaty. Men who are annoyingly closed and stoic. Men who know their music.

I argue with my father quite a bit. I think he’s overly critical, and he thinks Im overly sensitive. This usually leads to either volatile temper tantrums or cold silences, and more often than not, we agree to disagree. I firmly believe that my tendency to over-achieve is solely because of him. I have over-reached most of my life, just so I can bask in the rarity of his open approval as opposed to his harsh criticism. Despite all this, since I began seriously dating, I have only ever been really attracted to men like him; yes, the same man who’s had me pulling hair and clenching teeth in frustrated affection for over 2 decades.

He’s the only man I can trust unconditionally. The one man who will come running across continents to me, if I ask him to. The one man who will worry himself to distraction if Im hurting or in pain. The one man who has got me flowers for V-day, whether Ive been single or not. The one man who’s never lied to me – except when he told me he was buying himself an iPhone that he’d secretly and gleefully got for me. The only man who has never intentionally hurt me, made me cry or feel low. The one man, whom despite all my (many) relationships, has been the only male I’ve ever truly loved or thought perfect (in his own exasperating way), unconditionally and unconsciously.

Here’s to you, DaddyMathews, my 22-year old Valentine. Because a late Valentine is better than no Valentine at all.

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2 thoughts on “better late than never

  1. Oh my baby – he will love it. I will print it out for him and give it to him from you when he returns from Amsterdam on Friday.

  2. Your writing almost bought a tear to my eye….
    Keep it up girl!
    I am sure DaddyMathews is very proud of you….

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