my heart told my head, this time no, this time no.

so in the ironic spirit of fresh starts, i’m back to square one. falling back on words as a savior, a sanity, a straw. someone i knew asked me recently, “have you written anything new lately?” and while i might have fumbled for the answers to the other questions he asked me, for this question at least, i could look him in the eye with shameful clarity, and say “no”.

thus, it seemed apt, that with the uncertainties and doubt that the week brought, to start writing again. for a change, not writing valentines or randomities for the people i loved, or poetry for universities, or pretty little nothings for birthdays, first days of exams and other such momentous occasions; but writing for me. poetry and prose, scrawled in fresh new notebooks, still wrapped in cellophane. after tossing out every scrap of paper housed in my desk and in doris, both desk and doris challenged me to fill them up again. and this time to fill them up with love and myself, not with any sense of obligation or duty or even love for other people.

and in writing for myself again, i realized that somewhere in my travels over the summer; buses, trains, planes – i had subconsciously absorbed into my memory an exact paragraph from ‘eat pray love’.  it kept haunting me, and sentences from the paragraph were repeatedly interspersed with my own words and pseudo-wisdom.

“A true soul mate is probably the most painful person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah, too painful. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. Thank God. They’re supposed to tear your ego apart a little, show you your addictions and obstacles, break your heart so new light can come in, make you so desperate that you have to change. And once you clear out all the space in your mind that the soul mate took up, you’ll have a vacuum, an open spot, a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in. And maybe, you’ll find more love than you’d ever dreamed of”

and so, now that i have a doorway, i send out an agnostic prayer to the universe: please preserve me from heartbreak and ache for well, at least a year, taking into consideration that whole thing about how it makes you stronger. please keep soul mates or fake soul mates away from me. please let me eat, read and love as much as i want, and let me never get sick or bored of it. please keep me sane with good weather and good friends, and being with great friends in great weather. please let me be sure and confident and certain of decisions; second-guessing, and “oh shit, what the hell did i do?” has gotten old. please let me find a personal religion of my own, in my music and books to always turn back to.

and please please please, let me get what i want this time.

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3 thoughts on “my heart told my head, this time no, this time no.

  1. By hook or by crook you will get what you want. No disappointments. Dont even think of that word.Listen to the wise words of crooked mamma.

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