1) They think PMS was invented purely to drive them insane. When you’re irritable and cranky, they’ll shake their heads sympathetically and say, “Poor baby. PMS?” NO GODDAMN IT! What if I’m just irritable and cranky for all the many and miserable reasons I have to be irritable and cranky? I have reasons and lives apart from “that time of the month.” And somehow when you really are PMS-ing, they’ll never guess.
2) We don’t wear painful shoes because we’re stupid. We wear them because we WANT to. How hard is that to understand? We enjoy suffering for pretty things, and we enjoy complaining about it even more. We look down to curse our tortured toes, see a gorgeous glossy pair of shoes instead, and instantly feel better. If you really want to make us happy, you should say “Purty shoes!”, not “Why the hell are you wearing those death traps?”
3) There is NO such thing as “The Real Man.” Do you hear me, Astro? HE DOESNT EXIST. Also, Im sorry, but if there are only two kind of men, The Mangina Type, and The Type That Breaks Windows & Flies Through The Windshield, then honestly, it’s a matter of time before the world ceases to exist since procreation will be at a standstill. No woman wants a wuss, and superheroes come with way too much baggage.
4) Sometimes we don’t cry because we’re upset with you or angry at you or any reason to do with you. Contrary to popular belief, our worlds do not revolve solely around men. Sometimes we cry because we want to. Because we’re tired and we’ve had those days where nothings gone right, and a good bawling session, Chinese food and going to bed can set us straight. Yes, that’s it. It’s THAT simple an explanation.
5) There are colors apart from the primaries okay? Some days ago, a guy asked me what color my tattoo was and when I said turquoise, he asked “Like purple?” I didn’t even bother dignifying that with a response. This color deficiency all men seem to have has always annoyed me, starting from my father, who thinks grey and green are the same thing. HOW? CAN’T YOU’LL SEE? Didn’t you have Crayolas or color pencils when you’ll were kids? Argh.
6) Either over-commitment, or under-commitment. Can’t you’ll find a balance? If only you’ll knew how to, then we would be spared books like “He’s not just that into you” and that doo-dah about Venus and Mars. In one of my favorite TV shows, the lead is so exasperated with her husband, she says that men cant even be compared to Mars, because that means we have SOMETHING in common, both of us being planets, and that men are actually just bowls of soup. See? See the kind of bitterness and cynicism you all manage to bring out?
Stupid color-deficient bowls of soup.