There are certain benefits to discovering (or rather, being told, and not very discreetly either) that your ex of barely 2 months, the ex you were with for 2 years is interested in someone else, someone so unlike you, you wonder sometimes whether your relationship was a long happy dream, and never really…real. The pain that followed this discovery is insignificant. Its what followed the pain that is significant.
A sense of freedom so filled with clarity, that its hard to pin down and understand fully, forget being able to explain it. That feeling where you know that you’re finally FINALLY free, of wanting, wishing or hoping that things were different and you realize that you’re strong enough and brave enough to look ahead and want MORE, wish for better, and hope for the future. You finally realize that you’re brave enough to dare to have a different life, a life scarily filled with options so vast, they come faster than you can catch them. You finally realize that you can jump into a scary unknown, into a sea of strangers, and feel no fear, but anticipation.
You stop daydreaming about the comfortable “could-have-been” that you could have had, and instead you begin to look forward to the “what comes next.” Its like the few, painfully few curious people who dare to ask, “But what happens next?” after the story ends with the “happily ever after”. They know, that there must be more out there, more, oh so much more, that follows after the happily ever after, that there must be more to life than finding Prince Charming, dancing with him and then marrying him. But most people seem content with that ending, it fits in with what feels safe, what looks comfortable, and they don’t want to look and question beyond it.
I am finally daring to look and question. I want more than a “happily ever after.” I want more than comfort and safety. I want more than what I knew and had before. I am filled with a restlessness that I’ve never felt before, in all my years of wanderlust, and all my years of getting bored and making new lives for myself. While on some level, I wish it were the kind of restlessness that SS feels, a restlessness to get back to her great and magical love, on a bigger level, I am glad that it is not a restlessness that has anything to do with love, or relationships, or anything that has the capacity to leave me with holes, or leave me feeling like I’m unworthy or lacking in someway.
It is a restlessness that has do with finally realising, that I can only fully give myself up to someone, once I am fully formed, in all my capabilities, in all my dreams and in all my ambitions. The feeling isnt happiness, I am far from being close to happy. But its a feeling that comes from knowing what you need to do to make yourself happy, and knowing you can barely wait to get started. I am much more than a girlfriend, and until I let those many Kyra’s inside me grow, and bloom to their potential, I will never be able to give myself away as Kyra the Girlfriend, or Kyra the Fiancee, or Kyra the Wife or Kyra for Forever. First I have to give room for growth to Kyra the Writer, Kyra the Traveller, Kyra the Dreamer, Kyra the Explorer, and all the many Kyra’s that have to learn about life, and learn to love it and herself, before she can even begin to love anyone else.
“Twas more than I could take. Pity for pity’s sake. Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger. When you gonna realise, that you don’t have to try any longer? Do what you want to.” – Corinne.
Note: My thanks to S.H, a complete stranger, who, on the night of my discovery, while I was suffocating with pain, let me know how much potential and power, Kyra the Writer truly has. His words helped me sit up, breathe and fill my lungs with freedom and clarity. Thank you, S.H, a million times over.