One week of post-breakup, and I am not fine under the pretence of being just fine. Pretending has now become an art Ive perfected, and not only does it help fool the people around me, it helps fool me sometimes. I have stolen my mothers tactic of “Think Thin”. If she firmly concentrates on thinking she’s thin, shes thin. I am focusing all my energies on pretending Im fine, and believing that I am. And Im not. However, I made a list, and have followed it religiously for a week, titled The Cure.
1) Focus on breathing. Keep counting it. Not only is it a handy distraction that can keep you busy for hours, it reminds you that you’re alive.
2) Talk. A lot. Keep talking. Even if it makes no sense and no-one’s listening. TALK.
3) Bite your lips. When you think you’re going to cry or when you think you’re going to call him. BITE YOUR LIPS.
4) Smoke. If the biting doesn’t help, a smoke helps. It keeps you busy and gets you to focus on your breathing. Although, it means that your lips are burnt from all the smoking, tired from all the talking and bruised from all the biting. It doesn’t matter, there’s no point in feeling/being attractive anyway.
5) Walk. Never sit still. Sitting still means thinking and agonizing. Keep walking. Its better if you have no said destination you’re walking to and you’re just walking.
6) Avoid happy things. Happy people, happy couples, happy movies, happy books. Happy things make you realize you aren’t happy. The longer you live in denial, the better.
7) Compose long conversations in your head.
8) Smile all the time. Really widely. Till the jaw that you’d massacred once falling off a train, screams in pain. At least it gives you a new kind of pain to focus on.
9) Avoid being with understanding people who KNOW. Their sympathy and well-meaning comfort is agonizing. It breaks through the pretense.
10) Eat a lot, eat nothing, sleep a lot, don’t sleep at all, drink a lot, drink nothing.
For one week, I have done everything on this list.
It didn’t help. I’m not fine.