I have changed. And Ive suddenly realised it isn’t in a good way. Ever since God decided he wanted Suchi to preside over all his tea parties, a part of me closed up. And unlike my Mother and most of the other people who knew her, I kept her and everything she represented inside me, holding her too tight, making it hard for her to breathe. I never set her free and I counted on my final year of BMM and the people I love to set me free.
I am not free. Instead, I have grown wary of getting close to people, and wary of getting closer to the people I am already close to. Words used to be my defense against times like these. I find it hard to formulate words anymore. They don’t come out. And its such a battle getting them out right, that I rely on easier words instead. Words like "Im sorry", words like "It’ll get better", words like "Nothing’s wrong"
Ive been dreaming of places far far away. Ive been imagining what it would feel like to don a new person, as easily as slipping into a new pair of shoes. A new person with a new name, with a totally new identity. Possibly even new hair. I imagine going to Italy, spelling my name "Kira", smoking cigars and learning how to sing properly. I imagine going to Australia, donning short skirts and going to loud parties with my Isha. And then, something, anything will shatter those bubbles, and I’ll remember. That I’m Kyra. I’m in city that may or may not blow up in a week. I’m in a course I cant wait to leave, in a college that I cant stand leaving. I have reduced my social life to coming home as fast as I can, curling up with a book and my iPod and shutting out everything else. My temper and my fire has burnt out, in ways that now frighten me. My anger that made me ME, has turned into smooth apologies and excuses. But I am still Kyra. And there’s little that’s glorious, or exciting or magnificent about it.
I’d like to be led into a new world. I’d like to feel new. I’d like to feel like I’m not suffocating with an entire person hidden inside me when she’s supposed to be in heaven. I’d like to be free. I’d like to not feel guilty. I’d like to stop fighting and stop apologizing. I’d like to be understood unconditionally. And more than anything, Id like to be in a place far away.