For reasons known only to myself, Ive always been a little proud of my commitment-phobia.
I liked the distance I managed to maintain in my relationships.
And till now, the "men" (children, more like it) Ive dated, have been more than happy with this.
They enjoyed the distance and the space.
They loved the fact that they didnt have to deal with my mood swings and temper tantrums.
They revelled in the fact that I wasnt a responsibility.
Things have changed.
Im with a someone who actually cares about my mood swings.
And the temper tantrums.
He doesnt think its a chore to listen to me vent.
He lets me scream at him in public places.
And make him feel like shit.
As long as it helps me in some way.
I keep pulling away.
Or pushing him away.
Which is worse.
I wont say Im done with being a commitment-phobe.
Id be lying.
I wont even say Im going to try and get rid of it.
Its not a sweater I can just discard – its a part of me.
I will try to be more understanding.
I will try to be less demanding.
I will try to be less anal and hyperventilate-y.
I will try to be joyful with what I have
And stop worrying about what I dont have.
olive sweaters (which protected me from mosquito bites today!)
olive ballet shoes – so pretty!
And most importantly,
the something thats made me calmer and more joyful than Ive been in ages…