I have always liked the word "vivacious".
I like the way it sounds, the way it rolls off my tongue.
Its another word like "nonchalant" and "perfervid"
It sounds, well – yummy.
I have always liked to believe that Im a vivacious person.
Im loud, and blunt and bold and squeaky and – alive, redundant though that may be.
Im not vivacious anymore.
You can tell – its in the little things.
Im quieter. I tie my hair up in a knot. I dont sing loudly in the shower.
I walk slower, I laugh less.
Im contemplative and retrospective and well – not sparkly.
I remember FYBMM and I remember Polaris.
I never got cranky or tired.
I ran up & down flights of stairs, I yelled, I squeaked, I fought, I cried, I lived.
I sprinkled everything I did and created with lavish amounts of Kyra-sparkle.
I sparkled. I was a sparkly clip.
Slowly, the sparkle began to fade.
And now, I wait for sprinkles of it to suddenly appear, and I revel in it.
I revel in the seemingly endless bouts of energy and enthusiasm
I revel in the pure yay-ness of sparkliness.
And I grab it when I see it, now a glimmer in the distance.
Tomorrow makes it a month Ive been with my Hobo.
It isnt very long – I know people who’ve been with each other for years.
But its the sparkliest moment I know.
Ive always been commitment phobic and F killed all my faith in – well, myself.
Its sparkly to know that Im capable of caring, of loving, of feeling.
Its sparkly to know that despite the dead I have now become, there are parts of me that DO glimmer.
Its sparkly to know that I am able to let myself love and be loved.
Most people (including Hobo) think Im a dumbass for finding sparkles in "one month"
But there is little else to find sparkliness in.
It used to come instantaneously, sprinkling out of me wherever I went.
Now I have to find it.
I find it in chai-time with SS, with random babble, with the beauty of strangers.
It comes in the knowledge, that I have committed to caring – and that Ive done it spontaneously and with no regrets for a month.
So damn everybody who judges, and everybody who thinks Im stupid or sad.
Or worse, the person who thinks I shouldnt be measuring time.
Im going to celebrate the sparkliness and glimmer of a month.
It makes me sparkle like nothing else. Without even trying.
Im a sparkly clip.