I have a lot of thoughts roaming around in my head right now. And as much as I tell them to queue in orderly lines so I can deal with them properly, they wont. And so, I deal with them as haphazardly as they come.
I have my doubts about the blog "Pumpkin". The joy and the exhiliration that wrote that blog has been killed by Pumpkin himself. I have wondered whether to delete it or not and have decided not to. Joy like that comes rarely. And "Pumpkin" shall be my tribute to that joy. Although, the source of that joy shall no longer be called Pumpkin. He shall be NM from now on. The nickname Pumpkin was symbolic of hope, of a possibility, of someone special. Something I built up in my head. NM is now just an ordinary person whom I will bump into occasionally. A special mention to Shona – for letting me know before I fell too deep and wanting a "NM & KM" even more than I did. And to SS – for wanting so badly to quench my loneliness and loving me enough to make things happen – even for a little while. And to NM – for all the reasons "Pumpkin" was created. Heres to a fresh wave of heartache and loneliness.
IV Part Deux.
I have always believed that at every moment in time there is a soundtrack running in one’s head. Most of the time, you dont even know the song.
But its there nonetheless.
The following are the moments of the IV Part Deux that have stuck in my head. Even after 32 hours of continuous mindfucking travelling, they niggled at me, pestering me to write them down in the tiny notebook I carry in my pocket – a notebook that was meant to be filled with intellectual insights about the IV and the professionals we met and instead, is filled with gems like "I miss my bed" and "why is your boyfriend sending me smses like ‘hey lover’?" and the complete lyrics to "That Thing You Do". In an attempt to make myself feel better, I have decided to blog this list of all the moments of the IV where I felt joy, peace – anything at all as well as the soundtracks attached to them
1) Seeing a man riding a bike on a lone road, surrounded by trees, while on the train to Chennai
Soundtrack: Hold my Hand by Hootie and the Blowfish
2) In the bus on the way to Pondicherry. Waking up suddenly, finding us on a tiny narrow road with the sea on either side, feeling like we were riding on water.
Soundtrack: World on Fire by Sarah Mclachlan
3) Walking 1 and a half kilometres in a flimsy skirt and bare feet in the rain feeling the damp soil squelchy and heavenly beneath my toes.
Soundtrack: Everyday is a Winding Road by Sheryl Crow
4) Downing 3 bottles of wine in a traumatising 27-hour train journey with all the original members of the elite group ( +1 and -2) and exchanging secrets in tipsy and vulnerable euphoria.
Soundtrack: Cant Stop by RHCP
5) Waking up suddenly from a deep dreamless sleep in Pondi, only to see the first all pink sunrise Ive ever seen with a best friend and a ‘lost and found’ best friend sleeping beside me.
Soundtrack: Better Together by Jack Johnson
6) Seeing and feeling the white lace-like waves dance on my toes, being soaked to my skin and feeling sand all over me and just – being.
Soundtrack: Clarity by John Mayer
7) Actually managing to close my mind and listen to the voices I was meant to hear at the Aurobindo Ashram and being frightened by the voices I had ignored all my life and what they had to say.
Soundtrack: Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen
8) Being exhausted and too weary to move a finger and staying up late late late playing Taboo on a hotel bed screaming our lungs out
Soundtrack: Black Horse and the Cherry Tree by KT Tunstall
9) Walking on the beach past 11, sitting on rocks and inside straw huts, actually singing the soundtrack running in my head out loud with Flopsy Shah while the rest wished they were deaf.
Soundtrack: American Pie by Don Mclean
10) Talking to voices and heartkill and heartjoy, finding balm for most of my wounds on a wooden bench in the tiny church of St Thomas.
Soundtrack: Losing My Religion by REM