Happy Sad

Im happy. Happiness is a happy feeling. After a while, I’ll read that and say "Ugh, how redundant!". But now it is not redundant. It is profound.
 
Polaris is over. And on the last day, when it was all over, I felt a sadness and an exhiliration that engulfed me. I loved it, yes i did. Despite the fights, politics and sleepness nights. A part of me went into it. Many parts. I could see it in the crayon lines of posters that battled the rain, i could see it in the events lists CL’s attacked me with, I could see it in the exhausted satisfaction on Sairu’s and Anjo’s face at the end of each day. But its over – and it makes me sad. But it makes me happy. A good book always has to end, the last cookie will sooner or later end up in someones tummy – so its a happy sad. But lets have a moment of silence for Polaris – last years (my brilliant and much loved TY’s), this years (my not-as-brilliant but oh-so determined SY’s) and next years (my brilliant FY babies).  
 
I am in love. With a someone who is less than a year old and whom after staring at me for a whole minute, smiled at me and ran his tiny hands down my face and hair. I hated his mother when she got married at 18. I laughed and cried and jumped up and down when I found out she was going to be a mommy. And when I held him in my arms, and touched his skin and looked into his eyes – i saw all the times his mother and i shared our dolls and had pillow fights and stayed up nights talking and laughing about nothing along with another beautiful person. I saw my childhood in his eyes and the songs his mother sang him to sleep with – and i love them both so much it makes me cry. Hes my beautiful surrogate nephew and shes the most perfect mommy Ive ever known. Its such a happy sad.
 
Some days ago, I found joy in the most unexpected of things. Project work at a certain someones house. I love his house, I love his family even more. What I loved most was the peace I found in the nothingness of the conversation, the volumes the silence spoke, the way my heart beat as he read "Randomity" – the peace and the pure joy of his presence. He felt like home. And to someone who sees home once or twice a year – he is a blessing. He is also a happy sad. There is always happiness in joy and peace. There is always sadness in the unattainable and the bitter knowledge that he is just a friend. Just a friend.
 
– To a certain favourite TY, RK: I loved "The Pen & The Keyboard", and the rest of your quaint murmurs. And I love you more.
– To everyone who was part of Polaris; The TY’s who I am grateful to every single day (esp KP, RK, GP, SM & DM) – they make me believe in brilliance and sanity and BMM, to my own class – who somehow managed to put egos and attitudes aside and become A CLASS, we made POLARIS 07!, to my itty bitty FYBMM babies – words cant even begin to describe how I adore most of you! AND to the committee that worked day in and day out, after hours and before hours. It was so worth it in the end.
– To Esha and Avyukt : The most beautiful & perfect mother and son ever.
– To the English Language: For the words Happy and Sad. What would the world and this blog be without you?
 
 
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