its the last day of the year today. do i have resolutions? perhaps.
but im unsure. uncertainty. how annoying.
im nowhere where i believed i would be last year. sometimes, when im sleeping, my brain will sneakily peek into Pandora’s Box. how it manages to get there, dont ask. but it opens up to last new years when i was so happy, i thought id burst. am i happy now?
im where i want to be – im independent, im on my own. thats how ive always wanted it. but ‘on her own’ has the downside. im a downer arent i?
sometimes i give into mills and boon mush – the ones i sneakily read in Crosswords, all the while holding a Salman Rushdie novel – to whip out in case i meet someone i know. but its nice to do that "sigh" that mushy novels bring out in lonely single people.
i remind myself of Bridget Jones sometimes. without the extra weight, terrible cooking and the weird mother. my moms weird – but not in the same way. her weirditude is more lovable. i can count on my fingers the days ive sat in pajamas singing along to "All by Myself" and spooning up Mishti Doi (a sub to Bridget’s Dairy Milk Tray) Bridget drank Grand Marnier – I drink Kingfisher and the occasional vanilla Smirnoff or pepper Absolut. Ah, loneliness offers comfort sometimes. like stevie nicks sings oh-so huskily "listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness ; like a heartbeat drives you mad; in the stillness of your remembering." ah music, how it alleviates the loneliness. sometimes i wonder if singers actually feel what theyve written or sung or whether they just wrote it thinking "oi! i got the makings of a top of the charter!". bah, humbug. i relate to bridget. finally, you must be thinking. she gets back to the point. dont we all look for the dark, handsome mr. wonderful? i always find him, lurking in corners, and i make him mine – and he slips out of my fingers. either i have slippery fingers or theyre slippery themselves. my life is perfect. except that im alone. the anti-Bridge in me says "thats why its perfect you ding-dong!". perhaps. perhaps it IS perfect cos of the absence of THE – hmm. the what? not the one. he doesnt exist. lets just leave it at ‘The’. i have so many friends who have THE’s. i see them – and i wistfully remember having THE’s myself. Ah, the joy of a THE. yes, bridget. you found him in the end. but there are only a few perfect Mr. Darcy’s in the world. You got one, and Lizzie Bennet got the other.
To be honest – and that isnt something i like being to myself – Im afraid of the New Year. Every year, ends on a perfect note. then something always happens. Turmoil, chaos. and everything changes. last year i found myself with a boyfriend i loved, living with a family who took care of me. now im single and living alone. the year before last i had a boyfriend and lived with my parents in arab-world. then i turned single and moved to India with relatives. right now im independent and in bmm. and happy – more often than not.
what will change? what is going to turn my world upside down? i know. change is inevitable. fate, blah blah. but im tired of change and im tired of adapting. im exhausted of the unpredictable. i want stability, i want security. yes. i want to stop swirling around and around in vibrant colours and stand on muted shades of normal. of sanity. there are a few things im afraid of. or at least, there are a few things i admit to be afraid of. and 2007 is one of them.
i promised myself and mappings that i would never dedicate blogs to anyone. but these arent dedications. just the author and mappings remembering people whom i have to remember.
To Farshad: "I love you, but Im not IN love with you". You turned my world upside down with that one sentence in the pouring rain under a purple polka dot umbrella. Its amazing how long it took me to forgive and also – how much a part of my life you STILL are. I apologise for over 6 months of bitterness and lashing out. And somewhere – i hope beyond hope im one of the "best friends, the special people" even if i cant be a THE.
To Chirmi & Vikram: I had thought maybe we’d resolve everything before tomorrow. We havent. But never mind. This is thanks. For the friends we used to be, for the friends we can now never be. To the secrets, to the hugs and the train journeys and the song "Happy Together". And how much i loved you both. Have a great New Year.
To Sairu and Cookie: You know why.
To 2006: I loved you and I hated you. But Im used to now – youre familiarity is a friend. And I wish you wouldnt go away.
To Mappings: The next time I write in you, it will be 2007. Doesnt that seem odd? Youve been through a lot with me. Youve seen me cry and youve heard me sing silly happy songs in an awful voice – but you were one of the few stable aspects of my life. And i love you for that. Lets hope 2007 is all we want it to be.