Its been a while, I know and Ill forgive you if you want to act snotty with me. But I have a valid excuse. I dont have exams, i have BMM exams. and i had never realised there was a difference. Living in town leaves me with more time for me, to spend mindless hours with wonderful people on a cold tile floor drinking tea like a bunch of villagers with surprisingly good English. But it leaves with less time for you. If its any consolation, I wrote a 4 page exam essay about you the other day. There you were, and boy, didnt you look pretty. Mappings in dark blue ink. Im sucking up now arent i? Now that you’re reasonably mollified, let me whats and whys and wherefore and woohoos.
I feel sad that Leo is growing up. I remember a time when i could lift him in my arms and cradle him and croon in his ear and cuddle him. And he’d lick me. Awh baby. And now hes big. Hes so big. Its painful. My eyes burn from stress and sleep and they burn. But I love what I read, I love staying awake, knowing that scattered over Mumbai there are 65 people whos eyes burn as much, if not more. It always happens doesnt it? When I had all the time in the world, id loll away my time in solititude. not that, that happened much, but when it did. but i think hell brings you closer. the 7 people who were the closest of close in bmm are slowly inching somewhere closer. it isnt surprising. when you have less than 12 hours for an important exam, you dont know anything, and its these people who you HAVENT slept with, its these people who look as mindfucked as you, loudly proclaiming random bullshit over bullshit terms. CMS, HTM, PDF – oh my god. its these people who stumble in to college with me at 7:30, having stayed up all night in the same room as you, and then celebrating relief and ‘what the hell’ with beer and kheema pav. yes, beer and kheema pav in the morning. its laughing really loudly and not caring who hears. its spending a few hours of sleep, only to meet later to drink more and proclaim more bullshit. but its bullshit that remains, bullshit that keeps you awake on a random 4am tuesday. sometimes i wonder. is there such a thing as too close? and is it true that you are the only person who should know what your dreams and heart and soul look like? i was lucky. after farshad and i broke up, he loved me enough to continue to respect me and my heart, rather than stomping on it vengefully. i still have a heart, but it is lonely. sometimes. and thats when the close 7 seep in. whether its singing to coldplay, having mindless long conversations, strumming on a guitar and looking for a diamond. im rambling but thats how i like to write these days. ive said this once, ill say it again. Mappings is mine, im a possesive and one hell of a jealous lover. or maybe im a mommy. i created Mappings after all. It lay within me, for months, for days, until i resignedly chose to bring it to life. i love you, Mappings. And yes, you 7 too, and BMM (although thats a secret, SHHHH!) and i reserve a soft, very soft, very silent and very sacred spot for cookie.
it is now time to say adieu, Mappings. I wont be gone for so long this time. Im in my retreat, my haven of warm colours and sunny skies and being spoiled. Muah, my beautiful child of raw and the light. How, I DO love you.