losing something somewhere

for weeks i lived on a star, i lived for a star. it was a north star, it was Polaris. Not only did i fall in love with it, i gave parts of me to it. for 3 days, i expected to float away on that star in pure exaltation.
 
i was wrong.
 
the day before Polaris, my boyfriend (whom I still have feelings for) dumped me and said he wasnt attracted to me.
the first day of Polaris, i heard my aunt, my grandmother and all other members of family complain of how difficult i was to live with.
the second day of Polaris, I had a fight with my parents that was big enough to reduce me to tears. something I dont do often.
the third day of Polaris, I met my ex who explained in detail why he had dumped me and something inside me shattered into pieces and it hasnt come together yet.
the day after Polaris, I woke up and realised I had 5 projects due for that week which I hadnt even started yet.
 
I wake up every morning to the drumming of the rain. i always saw the rain as constant, as a symbol of stability. i am named after the sunshine, but i am a child of the rain. Rain was my solace. The first time I sensed something was wrong with me and him, i walked for half an hour in the rain. I just walked. The rain is no longer my tranquility, my peace, my power. I no longer have peace or tranquility or power. I am a machine. I smile briefly, laugh rarely and look out most of the time. at the rain, at my life and where its going and how i dont know where its headed.
 
I talk to him still. and it is still so perfect, i have to keep reminding myself that he dumped me. i do that, and the bandaid that emerged over my broken heart tears away and my heart breaks all over again. its something I dont understand. its something that wont be understood in time. its funny. i have gained a new best friend. or maybe, the best friend was there all along and i didnt realise it. but i wont ever hear that best friend say "i love you". I wont ever feel his arms holding me again and theres a block of ice in my throat, in my heart all the time.
 
I hide within myself now. to hide whats really inside, I have to shield it from others, from myself. Once in a while, I emerge and I find so many holes in myself, I crawl back inside me just to fill the empty spaces. There is a big hole where confidence, exhiliration and joy used to be. Theres a swirling mass of black, white and gray where love is. It was once a kaleidoscope of colour with the occasional rainbow. It doesnt not exist. Unfortunately. Its still there. it just doesnt know where to go and what to think. Before it was channelised towards one being and similar colors would meet it within that being. But now, the being has taken away his love, and my love, lonely and lost, has no place anymore.
 
To our first autorickshaw kiss. to chocolate lounge and the perfect first date. to not believing you had cheated on me. for holding you when you were mindfucked and being held by you, when i was. to the best kiss we ever had, the day we said "i love you", the best birthday present i recieved. to the less than 5 fights we’ve had. to losing sleep just to talk to you. to spending over a 1,000dhs because i missed you so much in abu dhabi i cried, although i never told you that. to the 560 little hearts ive drawn for you. yes ive counted and ive never told you. to the fights ive had to defend your integrity and your overall goodness, with my best friends, with my family. to the 56 things i love about you and wrote about, to all the blogs ive written for you. to givenchy lighters and aldo shoes. to all the feelings i have for you still and to the death of the feelings you had for me. to breaking up with me in the rain, which is why i cant love the rain anymore. for the agonizing, burning pain i have inside of me since the 27th of july.
for some of the best and most beautiful 9 months of my life. thank you.
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