slow consumption

ambition: an eager or strong desire to achieve something.
life is being consumed by ambition. inching and edging closer and closer to ambition that has matured like fine wine, paranoia is sinking in. opening eyes to sometime just before dawn, catching trains, walking in the cold crisp rain, listening to bob dylan in a small classroom, getting lost in people, in communication, in ambition, just ambition. shadows are paying my eyes a visit, crumpled is becoming my wardrobes best friend. the phone has not been dialed in forever, my finger seems to have forgotten how to press the green ‘answer call’ button. he holds me in his arms and we kiss. i have brief happy conversation with happy friends. but the minute my open eyes embrace the 7:00am grey sunshine, i belong to my ambition. not to him, or my friends, or my family. not even to me.
but the burning – how it burns and scorns and criticises – crazy feverish desire and ambition that never flickers, that burns even brighter now. i feel it in my fingers when i write, i feel it in my arms and my legs when i walk to places ive never been before, talking to people id never talk to otherwise, discovering sides of mumbai i never knew existed. i feel it in my laughter while acquainting myself with the ambition of 59 other students, i feel it in the looks of acknowledgement we all exchange. i feel it in the blissful exhaustion at the end of each long and perfect day. every part of me aches. of thinking, of walking, of writing, of listening, of the scorching sunshine, of the pittering pattering rain.
"why do it if you hate it so much?"…. "i never said i hated it".
the exhaustion, the slow loss of a social life, the death of all that came first then, too tired to talk or walk at the end of the day?
its all worth it. every single moment.

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