for the uninitiated, the ‘him’ featured in this blog is Farshad.
melancholy. sour grapes. sweet love. wet hair. a nano gives so much comfort.
slinking and slithering down a rain filled avenue. confusing between the rain on my skin with the tears on my face. i look back and now then, through a chaos of emotions. so much love, so much passion – the alchemy of desire is beautiful and yummy and luscious and i have wrapped it in newspaper and buried it in memories i dont want. lurking between the purity and nudity of the words was the double guessing and doubts i didnt need and was doing perfectly well without. where is the romance, where is the magic, where is the alchemy and the desire within us? ask yourself. asked? now slap yourself for asking. never ask that again. i will never ask. pinky promise, purple promise, rainbow promises.
three boys. one man. fitting perfectly into his arms, he fits perfectly into my world, into the cocoon of committment phobe and awakening that was never penetrated before. wake up and drown yourself in raindrops you ungrateful biatch. you have it all, you have everything and youre going to lose it steadily. smoothly. quietly and tearless. sappy i am not. and this isnt the story of always. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8. 9? i dont know, i dont want to know. i want him today and tomorrow and yesterday and the day before. i want him for me and for always.
walking and not knowing where i am going, i walk. slow steps. steady steps. shaky steps. mindless steps wishing wanting and waiting to get away, to get closer, to build bridges. waiting to come back and touch your face, finding fear in your silence. finding panic in mine. finding lips cold and unwanted. finding love and need that is big and beautiful and bursting in its sheer and simple and precipitous expansity. finding vulnerability because for the first time i love. scared shitless and backwards and forwards and sidewards out of my mind. but taking the risk, taking the plunge. im done with being a commitment phobe. i want to take risks, i dont want to be afraid of being so much in love, im not scared of saying it, of showing it.
through the silence, through the awkwardness and the silver-grey – i see the goosebumps on his skin, his open eyes, his wet hair, his silence. i see my hand gently touching his cheek and withdrawing just as gently.
i see raindrops everywhere, i see them on leaves and on tree trunks. i kneel and touch the redbrick ground and put my lips on the crumpled white hibiscus that lies wet and wideopen and naked and beautiful. like my heart coming alive in a million a little raindrop ways.
this is the first and the last blog that will be dedicated. to anyone to anything. this blog is dedicated to being in love and admitting it, 5am rain, a soaked pink tshirt, a loyal nano, to toes that are purple and one that is not, to the farewell of an alchemy of desire. to us. to us. to no more counting months but living each month. just the two of us.